The First Rule of Warcraft is: You DO NOT talk about Warcraft 

When the ten -day free World of Warcraft (WoW) trial popped up on my web browser, I was tempted. In the early 90’s I was a huge fan of RPGs. I played interactive fiction games until the infinite lines of text burned themselves into my retinas. However, I was wary of WoW. I’d seen the emmy winning South Park episode Make Love Not Warcraft over a dozen times. According to South Park, WoW die hards become fat, pimply, never see the light etc. (’How do you kill that which has no life?’)  So I decided to dig up a player to dispel my fears. My plan was to publish my findings to dispel the fears of many.

But here’s the rub – I couldn’t find a single player willing to talk.  

I sent out several emails, and even changed my facebook status -’Seeking Warcraft Player for Exciting, Sexy Interview!’ I waited for hours before I got a tentative response. A friend who holds the title Senior Network Engineer at a tech support company reached out. ‘I have a co-worker who plays Warcraft.’ He said. I was delighted. 

Until aforementioned co-worker flatly and vehemently refused to be interviewed. I pleaded and cajoled but to no avail. I said that he would have a chance to change the world’s opinion of WoW players, that the article would be sexy and have a flattering picture of him next to it. He became irate, and then my friend became irate. I don’t need to reproduce the entire conversation – suffice it to say I used the words ‘contentious dickhead’ several times. I still didn’t get my interview.  

Later that same day, I went to a production meeting for a different project and brought up my article topic. The DP on the project mentioned that he used to be a Warcrafter. When I quizzed him on it further, he became shifty. The only information he would give me was that it was controlling his life. He flatly refused to elaborate. 

So now I have no choice but to assume that there is some sort of conspiracy afoot here. Like the US military, Warcrafters seem to have a ‘Don’t ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. If I pursue this topic further, do I have a future of meetings in shady dark alleys, secret handshakes and undercover missions? Will I end up in Warcraft witness protection? 

It’s a good thing that this reporter lives for danger.